Doctor Who-A New Era
by LaPierreVonTigger
Summary: Doctor Who and his three new companions travel through time and space fighting Noobs, meeting the Loch Ness Monster, and traveling to Galaxy Forbidden, Sector 7YYHUR7(7 Yeah You Heard Us Right 7). Beat that!
1. Episode 1-The Grass is Greener

**In this series three friends travel with the Doctor across the universe! Yay. **

**Every "chapter" is a new episode and they get pretty crazy!**

**So, please, enjoy the wonder that is Doctor Who fan fiction...**

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**DOCTOR WHO—THE GRASS IS GREENER**

**By Squishy**

"Put that down!"

"But it's fuzzy!" Kristin argued, giggling, stroking the small figure. "What is it?"

"It's not to be played with," implored the doctor, flicking switches to fire up the TARDIS.

"They don't show any of this in the show," Sidney murmured, looking over the large shelf overstuffed with nic-nacs you've never seen before.

"What, do you like keep souvenirs from all the planets you save?"

"Only the ones that thank me for it," said the doctor, his sonic screwdriver between his teeth.

"Holy crap, it's your first hand!" Lacie squealed, rushing over to the little capsule full of purple liquid and the doctor's excess limb. Her companions screamed.

The doctor smiled, then waved at them, wriggling his fingers. "Hello."

The three of them laughed, more in a shocked way, like a holy-chiznits-I-can't-believe-this-is-actually-rea l-life-right-now kind of way.

Sidney and Lacie then began to impulsively quote the TV show. Kristin gazed up at the googly TARDIS ceiling, stretched out her arms and spun in a circle. She meandered over to where the doctor was working.

"I had dreams before about this," she said. "I never got past getting into the TARDIS."

"That so?"

"Yeah, it's kind of disappointing."

"Well, not this time, Miss…oh," the doctor faltered. "never asked for your names."

Kristin laughed. "SEK. Or Citen, or Toad or…well, mostly just Kristin."

The doctor blinked.

Kristin turned and pointed at Sidney. "And the curly-haired one's name is SAM, or Bowser, or POTO, or Sid but usually Sidney. And that other one is You-In-The-Blue, or YoshiYoshi, or Walt Disney, or, just Lacie."

The doctor's nose twitched as he blankly stared at Kristin and then abruptly knelt over the controls again. "Right then, just unloosen this…"

"Can I ask you a question?" said Kristin.

The doctor shrugged. "Might not have an answer."

"Why'd you pick us up?"

"Oh you know," he waved away the inquiry disinterestedly. "Community service. The lot of you looked so bored."

Kristin crossed her arms, lifted her eyebrow and shifted her weight over to one leg. With a little sister, a step dad and an abundance of chickens she knew when someone was hiding something. "Really?" she managed to make herself skeptical and fierce at the same time.

The doctor stopped working, sighed, and stood up to face her. "The star Eleanor. Ever heard of it? It's in your galaxy."

Kristin shook her head.

The doctor shoved his hands in his pockets. "There was a war on it, not too long ago. Fifteen million Ice Kings, nineteen million Esks. I had a plan; I did. I was going to stop it all. But, it's a black hole now. It was the first time I ever failed because I was alone."

"So now you need us?" Kristin whispered.

The doctor snapped out of this reverie, and fiddled with some of the instruments. "I dunno. Never that sure where I'm going. 'Had three companions before; just not all at the same time. Alright, the lot of you!" The doctor raised his voice to reach Sidney and Lacie, who were now singing. "Grab on to something!"

"Doctor, where are we going?" ventured Sidney, securing herself to a bubbly pillar.

"He just said he's not sure," replied Kristin knowledgably.

"Oh now that's funny-looking!" smiled the doctor, indicating to his little blue screen. "That planet there, it looks like a donut, or a very large earring…"

"Let's go there!" The girls chorused together.

Great trembling shuddered through the TARDIS and all three earthlings fell immediately to the floor. The TARDIS whirled and twisted and spun until everything became indefinite. Kristin was screaming in terror, Lacie in enjoyment and Sidney was laughing maniacally. This continued even after the shaking stopped, and the doctor had to go about helping them all to their feet.

"Here we are!" he sang jubilantly. "Galaxy Lymphed De Garssio, Sector WK296. Teeny little thing, this one. The planet, Oooook, it says. Ook, just like that."

"You've never been here before?" Lacie grunted.

"It's a big galaxy…universe….place." The doctor grinned, that usual exhilarated about-to-go-on-an-adventure look about him that he always gets before he hops out of the TARDIS. "We're about to find out, aren't we? Come on, then!"

The four of them piled out the front doors of the TARDIS.

"This isn't Planet Ook," muttered Sidney, disappointed. "This is a golf course." Which is essentially what it looked like. So…now I won't have to explain it to you.

The doctor folded his arms, rocking back and forth on his heels. "That could be. Never considered there might be a golf course in Sector WK296."

A loud squealing echoed throughout the empty meadow. The ground shuddered once, twice and again until what looked like a horse, a giant horse the size of ten sky-scrapers came bounder over the hill.

The doctor's mouth dropped open.

"What is that!" howled Kristin over the earthquake.

"Uh…big. It's very, very big," murmured the doctor.

The four watched as the masculine beast bounded past, followed by three more.

"So," concluded Sidney. "The planet Ook is the land of giant horses?"

The doctor shook his head. "No. Those aren't horses. They're called Eleck, slave-drivers for the species Noob.

Lacie snorted and then fell over.

"But they're never that big," continued the doctor, staring, puzzled in the direction the Eleck had gone.

"How big are they normally?" wondered Kristin.

"More round 'bout the size of goats or llamas."

Sidney's mouth went slack. "So…so, we've been shrunken or something, right?"

Again, the doctor shook his head. "If we shrank the grass would be taller."

Lacie rolled over and got to her knees. "You're telling me we're on the planet for newbs!?"

"I hope not," muttered the doctor, squatting down and plucking a blade of grass from Ook. He inspected it for a second, then ate it.

"Blimey!" he yelped as the tip of his left pointer finger inflated to the size of a ping-pong ball.

"Is that normal!?" Sidney gasped.

"For Ook," said the doctor. "It must be why the Eleck are so big, it's in the grass they're eating."

"So if we all ate a bunch of that, we'd be big too?" Kristin asked.

The doctor wagged his swollen finger in her face. "I suppose so. There must be an anecdote."

"What's wrong with being big?"

The doctor stood. "Well, for one thing it's against Sector regulations to enlarge any organism more than sixty times its original size. These look to be approximately ninety-four point six times."

Lacie and Kristin looked at each other.

"And for another thing…there's usually a reason for them to be enlarged."

Before this could sink in completely the doctor's pocket quaked, like he had a vibrating cell phone there. "Hold on," he questioned, taking out his sonic screwdriver which was indeed vibrating. "She's picking up an energy signal. That's got to be over twelve-hundred volts!"

"Ooh, scary," said Lacie lifelessly, and her friends laughed.

Suddenly the doctor lurched forward, his outstretched hand carrying the screwdriver. The others followed. "Oh, that's very strong."

"Doctor what's happening!"

"The screwdriver is magnetically attracted to some sort of foreign energy. Oh, that's very interesting."

"So we're just gonna follow it?" squealed Sidney, alarmed.

"For now, yeah," said the doctor, obviously enjoying himself.

"But what if it leads to something bad?" She insisted.

"Then we stop it," he replied simply.

"I like this guy," Lacie giggled.

The doctor, Sidney, Kristin and Lacie speed-walked through the open grassland for three miles.

Soon voices were heard. Hammering, sawing, heavy machinery, and queerest of all, chanting. The four stopped atop a hill that overlooked a round bowl-like valley. It was a construction site. They were making something.

Sidney, Lacie and Kristin stopped dead when they saw who they were.

Short, knee-high scaly orange midgets with pimply faces and long blue tongues that served as their fourth arm made funny grunting noises as they worked. They were naked, ginger and cranky. Several wore hard hats. Kristin gasped in alarm, Lacie's eyes widened, and Sidney again laughed.

"So these are…Noobs," said Lacie, trying not to laugh.

"The lot of them, yes," said the doctor, then his brow furrowed. "What's that?" He walked along the edge of the bowl to see past the funny-looking tractor that was blocking his view. Then he understood. "Oooooh," he sighed grimly.

"What is it?" The girls hurried to follow. In the center of the bowl, the ground was gone. A huge gaping hole. The size of a football field, all that was visible was stars.

"Oh this is very bad," said the doctor, taking from his coat pocket a small box of pastries.

"What is it?" repeated Sidney, "And why are you eating donuts at a time-" the doctor shoved one of the treats into her open mouth, choking her.

"Déjà vu," snorted Lacie quietly.

"It is not a donut, Miss Bowser, it is a donut hole."

"Oooooooh," Kristin echoed the doctor. "I get it now. The doctor began to pass out the goodies.

"But, like if there's a big donut hole in this planet, wouldn't like gravity and stuff be too strong for us to be still standing here? We'd all get sucked in, right?" Lacie strained to understand the ridiculous concepts of science.

"Right, but I'm supposing they've got a chemical to keep that from happening. Hydro -no- Oxygliceryn."

"That's not even a real chemical!" Sidney accused.

"On Earth," said the doctor patiently. "So that hole's all this energy my screwdriver's been picking up. I wonder…hm!" he trailed off and began to play with his screwdriver.

"So what are the Noobs doing, then?" Kristin wondered. "Trying to close it off?"

A construction fight broke out below and one Noob went soaring over the heads of the others, right into the hole. As soon as the ground was gone beneath him, his limbs were torn apart, smearing him into mush as the hole stole him away in lightening speed. Sidney blinked hard, but she was sure she saw the hole widen, ever so slightly.

"That's twelve millimeters so far today!" cried a Noob in a tractor, sitting in front of what might have been a computer. "Keep working and the wage will go up two credits for the day!"

The Noobs, as a whole, gave a jovial cheer and continued working.

"They're not trying to close it off," realized the doctor quietly. "They're making it bigger."

"You there!" A deep, gruff voice thundered behind the four of them.

"Hey, it's the rhinos from the moon!" Kristin recognized as the five masculine beasts in black uniforms trudged their way.

"Eh? How can I help you, officer?" The doctor welcomed pleasantly.

"His royal Noobness requests the doctor's captivation and any of his accomplices," announced the rhino that had spoken before.

"Oh I'm no doctor," said the doctor, taking out his psychic papers and flashing them at the policerhino. "Jon Smith, from the health department. Just seeing that these Noobs are following protocol. Safety and sanitary," he winked. "That's our motto."

The rhino was undaunted. "That may be, sir, but His Noobness still requests your captivation."

The doctor considered, and then shrugged, pocketing his papers again. "That's alright, I suppose. I've been wanting to speak with him anyway."

The rhino nodded curtly. "Bind them."

"Oh no sir, that's not necessary."

The policerhino glared. "Yes sir, it is." The rhinos latched their metallic vice-hand onto the quartet's arms, one to each girl and one to either side of the doctor.

"Doc- I mean Jon!" yelped Kristin, panicking.

"It's alright," he assured, "Just do as they say."

After walking about a quarter mile, Lacie managed to move herself next to the doctor. "Did that hole actually get bigger when that Noob fell in?" she whispered.

"It's a void: it feeds on life. You give nothing something and it becomes an even bigger nothing," explained the doctor, his eyes trained forward.

"O…kay, I'm gonna pretend that makes sense," allowed Lacie. "Then is that why they're enlarging the Eleck? To have more to put in the hole?"

"Yes…yes I suppose that'd add up."

"So they're using their own slaves to turn their planet into a black hole?"

"What am I, a magic nine ball? I've never met another lot of earthlings with more questions!"

"Doctor," hissed Lacie urgently. "Why are they trying to make the hole bigger?"

The doctor wet his lips, still staring intently forward. It was a long time before he spoke again. "I don't know."

A large green brick extravagant palace came into view and the policerhinos marched toward it. "The castle Noob," said the doctor reverently.

"Hey Lacie!" Sidney called, and then bluffed Shrek's rich Scottish accent. "Ya think maybe he's compensating for something, eh?"

Lacie laughed. "Oh my gosh that movie's so old!"

"Have you seen the fourth one yet?" Kristin asked.

"Of course not, smarticus, it's not even in the theaters yet!" Lacie snorted back.

"We should totally time-travel to see it!" Sidney declared. "Doctor, you're taking us to see Shrek four!"

The doctor's brow furrowed. "Who is Shrek?"

"An American legend!"

"We will walk in silence," said the policerhino gruffly.

"Yes sir," said Lacie sarcastically.

"Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the donut," Kristin whispered to Sidney, and they struggled to contain their laughter.

They arrived at the castle moat and Lacie giggled ecstatically. "Holy crap I've always wanted to cross one of these! Are there like crocodiles in there? She gestured down at the rosy water.

"Smuts," replied her captor.

"What's a smut? Jeez, you guys come up with the greatest names! What does it look like?"

"You will find out if you continue to talk," barked her rhino, tightening his grip around her arm.

"Oooooh, you got told," Kristin grinned.

"Uh, humankind," the doctor explained to the policerhinos. "They don't follow orders well. And human-female kind down like to be quiet. It's…difficult for them."

"They will be given one more chance," allowed the head rhino irritably.

The girls reluctantly pressed their lips together.

The nine of them marched through the rich beautiful halls and the girls were enamored by it's splendor. Slaves ducked out of their way: all sorts of colors, textures, shapes and sizes. It seemed ages before they entered the main hall and were pushed down to their knees before a twelve-foot throne. "The doctor as you asked for, your Noobness," announced the head rhino.

A short stubby Noob dressed in long sickly-golden robes that went far passed the ends of his does and purple jewelry looked absolutely ridiculous in his enormous throne. He smiled. "Good," his voice was comically high, like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sidney strained to keep her composure. "You are dismissed, guards."

The rhinos released their vices and trudged away.

"Ah Doctor," the king's pleasant smile was as sick as his golden oversized robes. "At last we meet. I see you've brought your munchkins."

"Munchkins!" Kristin sputtered. "Look who's calling who a munchkin!"

"Easy," the doctor warned tentatively. "he's extremely powerful."

"Are you kidding me!" Lacie spat. "I could shake his hand too hard and smoosh him!"

"I think he means royalty power," Sidney clued in. "It's all in who you know."

The king's eyebrow lifted and just one of his eyeballs swiveled to a small urn against the wall beyond Lacie's head. In less than a second, the urn shattered into a billion pieces.

"Nnnnnevermind," Sidney reclaimed quickly.

The king gave a contagious Alvin chuckle. "Chattery little aliens you brought along with you, Doctor. And if I were to address them…?"

"Kinigit."

"Obi-one."

"Squishy."

"Very good," grinned the king.

"If I could plead your indulgence, your Greatness," the doctor chose his words cautiously. "How could you tell I had arrived?"

The king grinned dramatically. "I could smell you."

"What? Oh no, that was Sidney."

"Lacie what the heck!"

"Noobs are programmed with an impeccable sense of smell," the doctor explained through his teeth.

"And you certainly did make quite a stink, didn't you? The last Timelord and three humans, in this galaxy. I knew it was only a matter of time before you came around. Beautiful timing, by the way."

"Right, about that," said the doctor, "how long has it been that you've been working on that hole of yours? Certainly is a pretty one, out there."

"Six millions years," said the Noob. "Even longer to create the fertilizer for the grass."

The doctor laughed incredulously. "Over six millions years and you haven't had one peep of trouble from the government about that?"

The king gave a delicate shrug. "Some people must be eliminated."

The doctor shoved his hands into his pockets, turned around and paced backward. "So you've broken the law so you can turn simple wagon-drivers into dinosaurs to dump into your black hole and probably increase that by ninety-six point four times its size as well," the doctor turned back to the king and posed the brilliant question. "All for what?"

"I love it when he does that," Kristin whispered to Sidney.

"Oh Doctor," squeaked the king happily, patronizingly. "You of all people should know, the older you become, the more enemies you make."

"Ah, I see," the doctor said.

"Wow, you are a newb," Lacie said bluntly. "You're turning your entire planet into a life-sucking black hole? Who does that?"

"You know I can't let you do this," the doctor stated sternly.

"Fortunately for you the project is nearly completed. The Eleck are fully grown, and ready to be cast into the hole. You'll stay in a holding cell just long enough for the measures to be taken and make themselves irreversible. Then you are free to go and warn any planet or ship you like, though I seriously doubt anyone might listen."

"Why don't you just kill me?" he demanded fiercely.

"Because it's not my place," giggled the king. "And it would do me no good. The last Timelord. Can't have the universe go without one of those, can we? Apocalypse, I'm telling you!"

"Dude, choose a side! You're twiggin' me out!" Lacie snarled, annoyed.

The king chuckled. "Silly little earthling." He sniffed. "Earthling? Is that certain? How certain are you of your origin, dear Squishy?"

Lacie glared.

"Squishy…that does sound rather familiar. Slishy? Perhaps? Queen Slishy? Hm, no, more like Slisht-"

"Stop," Lacie snapped murderously.

"This guy is off on one," Kristin laughed.

"Got that right," growled Lacie, still glaring at the king.

"I see how you're enjoying this," the doctor stepped toward the throne. "You've got everyone working for you. You hexed those rhinos to be under your command, you've altered some field sheep to be your monsters, all the other Noobs bow down to worship you, working to exterminate each and ever last one of your enemies, and you got me keeping everything in order for you, eh?"

The king again gave his cheeky smile. "Quite an insightful one, aren't you?"

The doctor put his foot on the steps leading up to the throne. "IF these plans follow through I won't do anything in your favor," he vowed intensely. "I'll contact the real police: they knew me and they will listen to me. You and your entire planet will be destroyed, after six million years of wealthy development. There's still time to turn it around. I can help you. You just have to let me try!"

"Oh I'm sure you'll be helping me quite a lot in the future, Doctor."

"Don't make me destroy your planet!"

"Not to worry: you wouldn't get the opportunity. Guards, take them away, please."

Rhinos entered instantaneously and began grabbing the four of them. The doctor struggled against them.

"I can help you! I'll find you a new planet! You can start new! No one will have to know about the Elecks! Please! Don't do this!"

The Noob just smiled and waved as the four were carried away, all howling in protest.

The cell was nothing like a prison. More like the mental hospital Sidney always said Lacie would end up in one day: white walls, ceilings, floors and four white pillows. The doctor pounded his fist against the white metallic door when the rhino had at last shoved him inside. For a moment he stayed there, his head pressed against it.

Then, he turned around. "Right then, here's the plan. Citen, you come with me, I'll need an extra pair of hands. You-In-The-Blue, find the Elecks and set them loose. Get them out of here, got it? We can't let a single Noob lay a hand on them."

Lacie nodded.

He turned to Sidney. "When I'm ready, I'll give you my screwdriver." ("Yesssssss!") "Get yourself as far away from the castle as you can, and when you see SEK and I are safely outside, point the screwdriver at the castle and press this button, see that?"

"What does it do?" She asked.

He considered, then crinkled up his nose, shaking his head. "IT's better you don't know right now. So," he looked over the faces of the girls. "We ready?"

"The Noobs are going to die, aren't they?" Sidney asked quietly.

"Yes," said the doctor softly, his eyes teeming with gentility. "I'm sorry, I tried. There's no other way."

Though she strained, tears pooled in her eyes and went spilling down her face. The doctor hesitated, then pulled her to his chest, stroking her curly hair. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

Kristin and Lacie stood there awkwardly and jealously until they were done.

The doctor dove down to the ground and felt along the floor for a seam, and then ran his screwdriver along it. Like nothing, the floorboard popped up. "Noobs come up with the weakest prison mechanisms," he mumbled, mostly to himself. "Quite…what's the word they use in the states? Lum, limb…"

"Lame," the girls chorused together.

The doctor grinned. "That's the one. Right then, down we go." He swung down into the hole and disappeared into the dark.

Kristin peered over the edge. "Doctor?"

He suppressed a grunt. "Nice soft cushy landing," he called back up, his voice distressingly distant. "One at a time, then! I'll catch you!"

Suddenly, the girls were fighting over who was first. Lacie won.

When they were all gathered at the bottom, the tiny square of light more than thirty feet above them did no good. "Somebody got a light?" The doctor asked.

"Surprised you don't," said Sidney, taking out her phone and turning it on. "Holy crap! Twelve bars! How does that even work! I love this galaxy!" her joy was quickly doused when she flashed the light around the room.

"Oh, this is very bad," the doctor moaned as the monstrous multi-headed beasts around them began to rouse. "RUN!"

Using only the light from Sidney's phone, the four dodged the life-sized, ravenous creatures, searching desperately for the door. No one needed the doctor's instruction this time. It must have been instinct, or maybe my creativity is running on fumes right now. I don't know. One of the tow. They all just happened to know what to do, okay? Each of them found a wall and dodging the masculine animals' teeth and spikes and whatever other pointy things protruding from their bodies, they groped the wall, seeking a way out. The doctor's long cloak was torn, Kristin got a cut going from her collarbone to the nape of her neck, Sidney lost a small patch of hair and Lacie was just having issues. But at long last, Kristin called out, "Here!" And the other three fought their way toward her. The door opened easily enough, after a couple of Lacie's body slams, Sidney's karate kicks and the doctor's screwdriver did a number on it. The point is, they made it out alive.

"Okay," said the doctor when they were all leaning against the door, gasping for breath. Maybe the mechanisms aren't as lame as I thought they were."

The four found themselves in a darkened hallway, obviously the basement of the castle. They made their way swiftly through the corridors. All of them remained calm as a Noob passed by and the doctor took out his psychic papers.

"Jon Smith, maintenance," he said casually.

The Noob stopped, inhaling sharply. "You're not maintenance! You're the doctor!" he accused.

Lacie rolled her eyes, seized the little man by the knees, swung him upside down, and bashed his head into the floor, letting him drop there, unconscious. "Frickin newb," she muttered as they continued on walking.

The four of them laughed. "Always forget these papers never work around Noobs," the doctor scolded himself quietly. They approached the door at the end of the hallway. The doctor pressed his ear against it. "Alright." Applying the screwdriver, the door swung open to a grassy courtyard. He nodded at Sidney and Lacie. "You two go on, then."

"Where're we going?" Kristin wondered.

"Down to the computer room for techy stuff," said the doctor.

"Yippee!" she cried gleefully.

The doctor laughed. "Oh, the three of you are growing on me."

"We do that," Sidney said, and then followed Lacie across the threshold.

Lacie stopped and turned back. "We will see you again," she stated firmly.

The doctor nodded solemnly. "Yes, You will."

Lacie nodded back, her lips pressed into a tight line. "Meet you at the TARDIS, then." And she strode out of view with Sidney.

"Where do you learn all this computer stuff?" Kristin had to ask after ten minutes.

The doctor zipped around the room like a lemur on caffeine, knowing exactly which switch to flip and knob to twist and cord to unplug. Kristin mainly could only stand among the rows and rows of complex technology and watch him spring around. He got away so well with being the biggest geek in the universe.

"Is there like an academy you go to in some smarty galaxy?"

"Timelord training," he replied simply. "And Timelord instincts. Hold that," he dumped a great stack of wires into Kristin's arms.

Kristin watched as he pulled from his faded red converse a thick black pen and pointed it at one of the screens. Like the screwdriver, the light at the end of it flashed and hummed, the screen went fuzzy.

"That's Matron Foster's sonic pen!" Kristin realized.

The doctor gave her a wary glance.

"You stole Foster's pen!"

"I didn't steal it, she died. It wasn't like she'd be needing it again."

"But you threw it away!"

"Yeah, that's what Donna thought. And, apparently the rest of the world. Look I needed a spare, alright? It only works in situations like this."

"What, when you give yours to someone else?"

"The screwdriver and the castle need to be connected, that's all."

Kristin rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

The doctor took the cords back from her, then led her over to another section of the computer room and immediately began plugging everything in again. "The computer needs human components. Fit your arm in there," he instructed.

"You kidding?" Kristin guffawed.

"No," said the doctor patiently. "Do it."

Sighing and muttering something along the lines of 'the things I do for sexy aliens' Kristin surrendered her arm into the small empty, dark compartment. Instantly it came alive with a blue light and Kristin began laughing hysterically. When the process was over she was left panting, and turned to see the doctor waiting with his hand over his mouth, suppressing chuckles.

"I never get over that part," he said, and Kristin hit him.

"You jerk!"

"Who goes there!"

Both whirled around to find a herd of six or seven Noobs had discovered them, armed with very Toy Story-looking guns. "Crap," Kristin muttered.

The Noob in front sniffed. "It's the doctor! Fire!"

"Noooooooo!" Kristin screamed, and (in slow motion) James-Bond-jumped in front of the doctor.

"TOAD!"

"Find the Elecks, that's a great idea. Find the Elecks, Lacie. Could be anywhere on this freaking planet, just keep your eyes open, and keep walking. Doesn't give me a sonic screwdriver, maybe a GPS, maybe an Eleck-detector? Noooo! Not even a bloody electric scooter! Lacie's good with furry things, oh yeah. Guess this is what I get for being nice to something. All you gotta do is wait around till you see the doctor, point at the castle and press a button! We all know how to do that! My brother could do that! My grandpa could do that! Just press a button on a remote! I'll press you a button, Doctor! How many friggin' Elecks are there on this friggin' donut? You'd think you couldn't friggin' miss them, so friggin' big. What do they have, like a giant friggin' Eleck stable?"

Moodily, Lacie flung herself around a corner and over a hill. Perched happily in the middle of the next terrain was a mountainous Lincoln-log barn. Lacie stopped there.

"Oh," she finally said to herself

She then proceeded to ninja her way up to the stable.

Lacie entered through the sky window, knocked out the two attending Noobs patrolling the nosebleed chicken coop, and continued to ninja down to floor one. She truly did feel shrunken then. It was like a natural horse stable, only she wasn't even tall enough to see over the hoofs of the great things. Tall skinny ladders with a thousand runs leaned against each stall. Lacie scaled the on closest to her. At the top, a Noob was balancing levels that held the Eleck's bowl of food in front of it. Lacie yanked at the Noob's foot and sent him plummeting to his death. She then maneuvered herself atop the Eleck's nostril and stroked his nozzle, making peace with the beast. When she was sure he trusted her, Lacie found the levers that opened the stall door. As he obediently left his stall, she snatched the line of rope that was hanging on a nail by the door and began tying herself a makeshift harness. She lassoed the other end around the Elecks' ear and as he began to move down the aisle of the stable, Lacie Tarzaned herself back and forth between stalls, unlatching each as she went, taking out any Noob that stood in her way.

Soon they were all trailing out of the stable behind her, riding bare-nose on the leading Eleck. The words of the doctor returned to her. Get them out of here, got it? So Lace was freeing the Elecks…but they were so big! And they were all under her control now; this had been easier than she thought.

Plus, she wasn't sure how se was gonna get down yet.

Lacie stopped and looked to the right, then to the left, assessing her options. Making up her mind, she then pressed her heels into the side of the Eleck's nose. "Ya!"

Sidney shifted her feet nervously. This is what was great about Washington, and what sucked about Ook. Trees. There was no place to hide out as she waited while Kristin and the doctor took WAY TOO LONG. So she just stood there awkwardly, the sonic screwdriver in one hand, the other one rubbing her forearm so hard she was probably gonna start a fire sometime soon. She felt so freaking exposed!

Which was probably why the Noobs were able to spot her so quickly, pointing and sniffing and shouting and running as fast as their little legs could carry them. Sidney remembered a movie in science once where the red ants overtook an entire frog just because their numbers were so large. She suddenly felt very much like a frog. She frowned as she saw the Noobs coming.

"Fun," she muttered to herself.

Then, without a prayer that it would work, Sidney lifted up the sonic screwdriver and pointed it at the Noobs. They stopped dead in their tracks, you could hear a pen drop…or whatever Noobs used to write with.

"Well this is good," she decided out loud. "Not sure how long it's gonna last, but this is good."

The Noobs began to shout scornfully at her.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" She roared. And miraculously, they obeyed. "Now!" she shouted, thrusting around the screwdriver. "Anybody knows what happens when alligators go to the dentist?!"

Sidney was halfway through explaining the definitions of ancient runes, sitting cross-legged in the grass, no longer pointing the screwdriver at the little beasts when the doctor came sprinting from the castle. Kristin bounced flaccidly in his arms, and a whole new herd of Noobs were in hot pursuit.

"Now, SAM, now!" he shouted.

"Oh yeah!" Sidney leapt to her feet. The Noobs, awoken by their brethren and now remembering their place also jumped up and advanced Sidney. She pointed the screwdriver at the castle. The doctor hit the ground Tom Cruise style, shielding Kristin with his sexy body.

The castle, breaking into a million pieces, flowed over the hill and was pulled right into the hole, just a quarter-mile away.

"Listen!" Sidney quieted everyone once more. "Your empire is dead! Surrender the black hole or be sucked into it!"

"Oh Sid," moaned the doctor, a hundred yards away. "What have you done."

And as he knew they would, the Noobs revolted energetically. The disloyalty here was incredible. Sidney pointed at a Noob and pressed the button, but nothing happened.

"Uh, Doctor?" she called nervously.

Sidney managed to batter off the first ten Noobs that attacked her, having a number of younger siblings, but there were simply too many of them. "Ribbet," she cried desperately as her vision was blocked out by a fat pimply orange belly.

Thunder and the earthquake ceased their attack. Over the hill, the Eleck came galloping. The Noobs scattered, their arms in the air as the Eleck bounded forward, whinnying triumphantly. The Eleck herded them onward, sheep-dogging them all toward the donut hole. In all their shortness, the Noob race only expanded their hole six inches or so. Lacie motioned the Eleck free, but rode hers back to Sidney. With a series of coded pats, she persuaded the Eleck to lower his head so she could easily slide off his nozzle. She helped Sidney to her feet, grinning. "Who needs to be a ninja! You hypnotized them! That was freaking awesome!"

The two sprinted back to where the doctor was kneeling over Kristin. "No, no, no! C'mon, breathe!" He pumped at her heart, then leaned over and gave her two breathes. The doctor waited, and slowly, Kristin's eye opened and she found the faces of her friend.

"Jealous?" she wheezed.

The girls tackled her in a huge octopus hug. For a long while, they laid in a row in the grass, gazing up at the twin suns, reminiscing the entire mission and laughing the adrenaline chills off.

"So," sighed Sidney after a couple minutes. "What happens now?"

The doctor shrugged happily. "Ook now belongs to the Elecks. I give them the anecdote and the planet will never be a black hole threat to this galaxy again."

Lacie thought, then began to laugh stupidly. "Newbs," she said. They laughed together.

The doctor sat up and pulled from his coat pocket a small container of what looked like toothpaste.

"Dude I swear you have Narnia in your pockets!" exclaimed Sidney. "What is that?"

"The anecdote: put it together in the computer lab. Screwdriver," he held out his hand to Sidney and she replaced his precious tool. He began to smear the paste onto the end of it. "Call over your minions, Walt."

Lacie whistled and the brilliant steeds came galloping their direction. They walked when they came closer, and lined up perfectly in front of the doctor. "Anecdote!" he sang, buzzing one of he creatures down to its natural size. "Anecdote!" Another.

Lacie sighed. "They're so pretty. Can I have one?"

Sidney and Kristin laughed, having heard this before. Watching Harry Potter or Avatar, or some other movie with funny looking creatures, Lacie would always ask her mother, who hated animals, if she could have one as a pet. Her mother would roll her eyes and calmly say yes. The only time she actually did allow her to keep a bizarre animal was when she literally did get a hippopotamus for Christmas once. Lacie's still not sure how long it'll last.

But the doctor didn't laugh. "Hm, let's see…" he pointed at a single Eleck and said, "Anecdote, anecdote, anecdote, anecdote" until the little thing could fit in the palm of her hand.

"Aw sweet!" she cried, holding out her prize to her friends. The Eleck began to impulsively lick her hand.

The doctor applied the anecdote to his own finger, and wiggled it in front of himself for a minute. Lacie and Sidney exchanged a look. "That's better," he said, cleaning off his screwdriver. "Right then, back to the TARDIS, now."

Helping each other up, they stood and watched for a moment as the Eleck began to graze serenely on the un-hexed grass. It was easier now to notice Ook was such a pretty planet. The four turned and began their journey back to the TARDIS.

"I vote Atlantis next," Kristin announced.

"I'm for Pandora," said Sidney.

"Pluto all the way," Lacie claimed.

"I'm up for a nap," yawned, the doctor.


	2. Episode 2-Defying the Elements

Doctor Who - Defying the Elements

By: Expo

"The void is hell, people who have walked through hell have literally been through hell, but the void works into their brain so them going through hell is different life-changing scenarios in their heads. For example: getting dumped when you're engaged." The Doctor explained. Sidney nodded perceptively.

"That's incredibly complex. So does that mean that when you closed that void thing, everything that got sucked into it has been sucked into hell?" She questioned. A pained expression crossed his face.

"Like I told your friend over there," He pointed to his left at Kristin and Lacie laying down with their heads together, rambling on about their latest excursion. "I've never met another lot of earthlings with more questions!" Sid sighed and joined her friends. "Kinigit," The Doctor said.

"Expo." She replied monotonely , now sitting cross-legged and studying the wall and multiple pillars of the TARDIS.

"What?" He questioned, his face twisting into an odd expression.

" You can also call me Expo…if you'd like."

"If you'd like!" Sidney snorted. "I like it!"

"Thanks! I decided to try something new in my everyday vocabulary, know what I mean?"

"I very well do." Sid replied.

"Where did Expo come from?" The Doctor asked. Lacie flipped the notebook that the girls shared to a page filled with thick brown writing. It was one of Kristin's entries, 'David Tennant is the sexiest man alive!' was written in brown expo marker. "Where did you get that? I don't remember you bringing it on. Why do you have it here anyway?" He rambled. The girls gave him the we're-three-writers-and-we-cant-function-without-a -pen-and-paper-duh look. "who's David tenant?"

"The guy who plays you In the TV show." Sidney explained. "But I'm guessing that the media just says that there's an actor so nobody knows that they are stalking you or whatever."

"So you think I'm the sexiest man alive?"

"ARE YOU KIDDING!?" The three stressed the duh-factor in their tone.

"Well…thank you I suppose." He smiled, pleased, but disturbed. "But I'm nine hundred three years old and you're all fifteen."

"Well, Lacie's only fourteen."Sidney taunted. Lacie elbowed her.

"Do you have a point?" Kristin asked. The doctor shrugged. A sudden jerk knocked them down to the floor and he inched his way to a blue screen.

"Ah! Good choice my friend!" He yelled over the noise and patted the computer that held the TARDIS's controls.

Everything went calm and quiet and the three stood up to match The Doctor. "Well then," he said, "shall we?" He skipped to the door and turned to face the girls with his cheeky smile. Sidney, Lacie, and Kristin filed out the door behind him. "Ah! Snow!" He sang. "I haven't seen snow since I last met the Oods." The three were obviously unhappy and they looked at each other in disgust.

"You call this a good choice!?" Lacie protested. Her voice echoed through the valley and rebounded off of the monstrous mountains.

"Uh. Yeah." He clicked his teeth and rocked back on his heels.

"I-it's c-c-cold." Sidney managed to say through her chattering teeth. Her friends seemed to be fine temperature wise. The Doctor took of his coat and draped it over Sidney's shoulders. She shot Lacie and Kristin a ya-jealous look. They glared back.

"Right then, the world of the elements. They call it TWOTE for short." The doctor told them.

"Who's 'they'" Kristin asked.

"The Othies. Have you ever seen Star Wars?" The girls nodded. "Well they look a bit like the Ewoks." Lacie and Kristin erupted in laughter, leaving Sidney puzzled. A cold breeze whistles through the mountains, "That means it's time to go." The Doctor smiled and started down a steep, snowy slope.

"Slow down!" Kristin yelled from behind. "I'm a klutz as it is, I don't need a slippery hill added to the equation!" She lost her footing and started rolling head-over-heels down the hill, "S. S. S. See. What. Ow. Ow. Ow. I. mean?! Ow. Ow. Ow. HELP! Ow. Ow. Is. Ow. There. ow. A bottom?!" She yelled between bumps and tumbles.

She finally came to a rough stop at the bottom she thought would never come. She heard three pairs of feet barreling toward her, muffled by the snow. They towered above her, Sidney was in hysterics, Lacie was laughing so hard she wasn't even making noise, and The Doctor tried to speak to no prevail through his fits of laughter. Kristin glared up at them, "Not funny." She scolded. The whooping laughter only increased. "I'm getting really cold down here. Some help maybe?" The laughter subsided and the doctor reached over to Sidney and into his coat pocket. He pulled out a blanket big enough for about two people and wrapped it around the now standing, snow covered teen.

"HOW?! How does that even happen?!" Lacie questioned. The doctor raised his eyebrows.

"Pockets, they're bigger on the inside." He told her. Sidney peeked in his right pocket.

"HA! I do see Narnia!" She exclaimed. "Hey, what's that? Wait! No! that's not an Othie is it?! Yes! Yes! It is, isn't it?!" she screamed, a bit too exited, jumped up and down, and repeatedly jabbed her finger in the air at a fuzzy, brown thing.

"Oh yes!" Said the doctor.

"CAN I HAVE ONE!?" Lacie asked.

"I let you keep that Elek, and you haven't even fed it yet."

"Well we haven't come across any Pet Co that sells Elek food now have we?" She started walking toward the mutant teddy bear looking creature. Somehow it was the cutest thing the three friends have ever seen. In a freakish way.

"Walt, don't go any closer!" He yelled even though she was right next to him.

"Ouch." She rubbed her ear and gave him a sassy look. The doctor raised one eyebrow, making him even more sexy.

"Sorry got caught up in the suspense of the moment. Anyway, the Othies get scared very easily and if they get to scared they can become very defensive." He explained. "VERY defensive." All three girls instinctively backed up a few steps. "Alright, buddy system. I don't want anybody getting lost in this snowy…well…snow. Expo, you and Yoshi are buddies." The girls went arm-in-arm. "POTO, you're with me." Sidney cracked the biggest smile the galaxy had ever seen. The doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out two walkie-talkies and threw one at Kristin and Lacie. "Go that way," he pointed behind the dynamic duo. "and we'll go this way." He pointed behind himself. "Look for a civilization of Othies." With that, they parted ways.

"I'll hold onto it" Kristin took the walkie-talkie and clipped it to her waist band.

"But why can't I?" Lacie wined.

"'Cause you're gonna loose it." She explained. Lacie shrugged.

"Okay, most likely." She agreed. "Where are we going?" Kristin pointed straight ahead.

"In a that way direction."

The ground suddenly came out from under them and they fell for what seemed like forever. The girls hit the ground with a tremendous "Oomf.". The floor beneath them was smooth and slippery. Ice. Lacie tried standing up, only to find herself back on her butt. Kristin got on her knees and started groping the wall. "Found a way out!" She said.

"Or a way in…" Lacie told her. The hairs on the back their necks stood up.

"Oh, fantastic." Kristin said sarcastically. Her voice got high as she got more nervous.

Just as Lacie predicted, it was not a way out rather than a way in. A small ice hall, big enough for them to crawl through. They came out to a large room, with four corners. In each corner was a different set of objects. The girls stood up and analyzed their new setting.

"Feng shui?"

"No, one of the four elements in each corner. You know, fire, water, wind, and earth?" Lacie corrected her.

"So like that old cartoon, Avatar-The Last Air Bender?" Kristin tried to understand.

"I would assume so."

"And who might you be?" A sweet voice said from behind. It sounded like Chip the tea cup from Beauty and the Beast. "No need to answer, your obviously not an Othie. Come along with me." An Othie appeared in front of them and started walking. The girls followed. Kristin took out her walkie-talkie and pressed the large, black button at the top.

"Doctor?" she said into it.

"Yes?" A raspy version of the doctor's voice replied.

"I think I've found that 'civilization' you wanted us to find."

"Oh goody! Where would you be my friend?"

"That's the thing, I don't know. We fell in a hole and then we crawled on ice and now were in a big room with feng shui stuff in the corners. Like earth and water and stuff. Elements."

"Well that's no help!" He answered.

"Well I'm sorry our service wasn't satisfactory! But I think we're gonna need some help. Like, real soon." The Othie turned around.

"The prince dislikes chatter." It scowled. Lacie and Kristin Looked at each other and sucked their lips in tight. They stopped in another room, this one had ice sculptures and a glistening throne of ice that towered far higher than the girls. "Majesty." The Othie bowed.

"My servant." The prince replied. "Who have you brought me? And why does the blonde one send a familiar vibe?"

"Light brown." Lacie grumbled to herself. "Who are you?"

"I'm sorry, where are my manners? I am Prince Kelsha, prince of the Othies, ruler of The World Of The Elements." He waved his servant away. "My sister died when she was about to be crowned." The prince turned to Lacie as he spoke, "She controlled earth as I control Water. You Remind me of her. In fact, I have her soul right here." He held up a vial that hung around his neck. The girls tried backing away only to hit a group of Othies who quickly twisted the girls' arms behind their backs. They were surprisingly strong and aggressive for their size.

"What are you doing?" Kristin chocked out. Prince Kelsha took out a syringe and stuck the needle into the vial, filling the syringe with a blue liquid. "Hey! I'm talking to you! What do you think you're doing?!" She screamed.

"If you don't shut your mouth I'll put this in _your_ neck! Are we clear?" Lacie shot Kristin a terrified look. The girls struggled but the buff othies only tightened their grip. The prince walked slowly toward Lacie, he took a deep breath and plunged the needle into her neck.

"NO!" Kristin screamed. "NO! You can't do that to her! Take it back! Take it out of her!" lacie crumpled to the ground, unconscious. The Othies let go of Kristin and pulled her friend into a separate room, her body slid lifelessly along the ice. Kristin Lunged for Kelsha but another Othie guard caught her before she could do any damage. She kicked and bit but it did no good. "Why did you do that!? She didn't do anything wrong! I can't loose her!" Tears streamed down her face. The prince stood back, a smug look was painted across his face.

"Don't worry you mouthy human. She'll live, you won't loose her…well…she won't be the same, the spirit of my sister will take her body." He told her.

"That's not good enough! I want _her_, not your filthy sister!"

"Filthy!? Put her with her friend." He told the Buff ones. "I'm tired of her mouth and she insulted my sister!" He turned to the struggling girl. "By the time she wakes up she'll be very hungry."

With that the buff othies hauled her off to the same room as Lacie. It was cold and dark. The entrance had been sealed with a thick layer of ice, what little light they had came through the ice from outside and illuminated the room in a dull blue. She pulled out her walkie-talkie and pressed the top button.

"Na. Na a. Nanananaaaaaaaa! Nanananaaaaaaaaa!" Sidney sang.

"Hey Jude!" The Doctor answered. This was followed by manic laughter from them both. They hadn't found anything since they split into two groups, they were just walking in the same direction assuming that they would come across something.

"Doctor?" A voice came through his walkie-talkie. This started the whole conversation about the place that the girls had found between Kristin and The Doctor.

"Bowser, I need your phone." Sidney held her phone close to her person.

"Why? Please don't hurt it." She placed it into The Doctor's waiting hand but cringed when he started to unscrew the back.

"Because I think I can triangulate their location by replacing the homing chip in your phone with the one in the Walkie-talkie. If I can do that then we can find them." He explained and began to pull out parts of her phone and replacing them with parts from his Walkie-talkie, then flashed the phone a few times with his screwdriver. Sidney turned around so she wouldn't have to see the slaughter of her beloved iPhone. "HA! Here we go!" He exclaimed. "Now then, shall we go find our friends?" He cocked his head and drew his cheeky smile from ear to ear. The Doctor turned on his heal and began to walk, keeping his eyes glued to Sid's phone. Then he disappeared right in front of her. She saw snow move in the spot he had vanished from. Panicking, Sidney started hyperventilating and jumped up and down. A door slid open under her and she fell into the trap.

"Ouch!"

"Doctor!" She screamed, hugged him, then let out a sigh of relief. He led her through the small tunnel into the room with the elements in the corners.

"They have friends?" The same sweet voice came from the same place. A pair of fuzzy paws pushed them forward impatiently. "I suppose I'll have to give you over to the prince." The two followed obediently. They came to the throne where Kelsha waited for them.

"Hello, Doctor." The prince said.

"How is it that _everyone_ know who you are, but nobody on Earth knows?" Sidney asked. The Doctor shrugged.

"Two girls, about yay high." He held his hand at his shoulder. "Have you seen them?"

"In fact I have. But they're mine now."

"Well, you can't have them. You see I need them for something back on Earth."

"Well my sister needs the blonde one. Sorry to disappoint you." A scream of terror came from behind the farthest wall.

"That's Kristin!" Sidney realized.

Before she knew it her foot made contact with the guard othie's face. The doctor unbuttoned his shirt and wrapped it around the prince, tying it in the back like a straight jacket. They ran to the wall and listened. More screams came, each one more terrified than the last. The Doctor twisted a dial on his sonic screwdriver and painted it at the wall of ice.

Her friend laid limp on the icy floor. Kristin crawled over to Lacie and held her in her arms. She started to cry. "Doctor." She said into the walkie-talkie. She got no answer. "Doctor?" Still no answer. "Doctor?!" She gave up and held Lacie closer. "Oh what are we gonna do Lacie? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that this happened. It's all my fault, if I hadn't walked over that door, if I would have kept my mouth shut non of this would have happened." She said to her unconscious friend. "I'm sorry. I want you back. Please come back!" A tear fell on Lacie's cheek and her eyes snapped open. Kristin hugged her. "Lacie!"

"Who's Lacie?" Kristin felt her Lacie's nails dig into her back, she let out a shriek of pain. She pulled Her friend away from her to get a good look at her.

"What do you mean 'who's Lacie'? You're Lacie. You know that." Lacies eyes flashed red.

"My brother did as he was told." She smiled. Kristin's expression turned from puzzlement to sheer horror. "You know what? I'm hungry. Really hungry." Kristin screamed and ran till she hit a wall. Lacie lunged and landed just shy of her friend, got up, and tried again. This time she got hold of her ankle and pulled her onto her stomach.

"Doctor!? DOCTOR!? DOCTOR I NEED YOU! HELP ME! HELP! PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!" She screamed into the walkie-talkie. Kristin managed to squirm out of Lacie's grip and ran, there was nowhere to run but to the next wall, which is exactly where she went. Lacie pinned her against the wall.

"I haven't eaten in years." Lacie licked her lips. "I have to admit, you humans have a very odd body. It'll take some getting used to but I think it'll feel better once I have a full stomach." Kristin tried shrinking into the wall when it started melting next to her.

"HELP ME!" She shrieked with hope whoever was melting it would hear her and come to her rescue. To her surprise, The Doctor popped through the hole he had created.

"What on earth is going on?!"

"What does it look like!? My best friend is trying to eat me!" She yelled. "She's possessed or something!"

"His sister!" He finally understood

"I don't have time for epiphanies! Get her off of me!" The Doctor and Sidney pried Squirming, possessed Lacie off of Kristin. Kristin Bolted to the other side of the room.

"Get your grimy human hands off of me!" Lacie told them.

"I'm a Time Lord, not a human so your just gonna have to deal with my grimy Time Lord hands!" He said. "S.A.M, I need you to get my sandwich out of my left pocket."

"This is no time for lunch!" Sidney scolded.

"No! I need the rosemary I put in it! Hurry! She's too squirmy!" Sidney did as she was told and gave him his lunch. He quickly shoved it into Lacies mouth. "S.A.M. and S.E.K, I need you guys to sing something familiar. We need to snap her out of this!"

"Nuh uh! If you think I'm going anywhere near her you've got another thing coming!" Kristin told him. She hadn't realized that she was still crying till then.

"JUST SING!" He yelled to her. Sidney yanked her off of her feet.

"WHOA! WE'RE HALFWAY THERE! WHOA! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER! TAKE MY HAND AND WE'LL MAKE IT I SWEAR! WHOA LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!" They sang as loud as they could. Lacie started to seize.

"What did you do to her?!" Sidney asked. The Doctor smiled.

"She's coming back." Lacie collapsed once more. He picked her up and cradled her. "The prince is gonna figure everything out very soon...RUN!"

When Lacie woke up she was staring at the ceiling of the TARDIS. The first words she heard were: You tried to eat me you crazy chicka!


	3. Episode 3-The Land of Ninjas (Part 1)

DOCTOR WHO—THE LAND OF NINJAS

BY SQUISHY

"One more time." The doctor sucked in a deep breath. "The Jidune started out as an interbreed from planet Zar in Galaxy Fonec Sector 609QZ, and Bezkat, Glazy Neen Sector 3X10. A messenger was sent across these galaxies to send a letter related to business and political beliefs. Thus began the Jidune rule, half Zarian, half Bezkatkind. The species multiplied rapidly, overtaking both races and combining the planets to become one. When that of galaxy 3X10 discovered their convenient dense-clever quality, they made a contract with the Jidune to be hired to work for the galaxy as law regulators. Word spread across the universe and several planets have been able to afford the Jidune's services such as Saturn, Kruys, the twin asteroids Bitzy and Botzy and the great walloping monster Crytenzo rock is that all very clear!?" The doctor managed to get it all out in one breath, left panting, staring intently and hopefully at Sidney.

Her eyes flicked around taking it in, her hand, holding her pen, twitching slightly. Finally, she shook her head.

"Wait, WHAT!?"

"Oh, for the love of…" the doctor trailed off, his head sinking down to the table.

"Wait, did you say Saturn has Jidune services?" Kristin asked, throwing darts at the other side of the TARDIS.

"Why else do you suppose your astronauts haven't been able to reach it?" said the doctor, sitting up.

"Uh, it's too far to reach?" Lacie smirked, firing another round at her dissipating brick target in another corner.

"That's what they WANT you to think," countered the doctor, looking up to observe. "You seem to be disturbingly experienced with that, Squishy."

"Lacie gets rather…violent impulses" Sidney explained. "You shouldn't be too surprised at most the things she does."

Lacie held fire to give Sidney a murderous glare.

Seeming to ignore it, Sidney turned back to the doctor. "Hold on. So what time period were they spawned?"

Before the doctor had the chance to reply, the TARDIS shuttered and both his and Sidney's chairs capsized

Kristin was on her back, as well as Lacie, a gash of bullets going up the wall of the TARDIS from her target.

"I hate it when it does that!" Kristin howled over the alarms.

The doctor crawled back to his instruments. "'Ello!" he grinned. "Comin' up on a travel course, meeting galactic spacecraft—oh, she's a BEAUTY! Just look at those rudders! Probably all looks, though. Gorgeous! What do you say, we hoppin' it?"

"What choice do we have?" Lacie shouted.

"Why not," said Sidney. "Most likely has SOME kind of problem you need to fix."

"That's not true," the doctor said defensively. "I do go sight-seeing."

"They never show it on the series because it wouldn't be as entertaining," Kristin pointed out.

"What, so are you saying THIS isn't-" the ship trembled again.

"Just jump the thing!" Lacie cried out.

"Right," said the doctor, then went about his nerdy dance around the heart of the TARDIS.

Soon, the earthquake ^cough^ shipquake ceased and the four were reduced to laughter, sprawled out on the TARDIS floor. After the doctor's usual routine to helping them all to their feet they began to file out the front doors.

"How far are we in the future?" Sidney wanted to know.

"We're not," said the doctor. "It's present day. Well, YOUR present day. I suppose I don't have a present day."

"Really? Because it seems like every time you're out in space you're- I don't know – billions of years in the future and you always go into the past on Earth."

"You would notice something like that, Sidney," Kristin said mindlessly as they boarded the ship.

"There's nothing to notice," disagreed the doctor. "My mind has no patters. Most of the time the TARDIS chooses for me."

"Really? Cuz-" the other three began to tune Sidney out as she started out on another one of her impossible unstoppable rants. The deck was tainted with a neon green. They seemed to be in a narrow engine room; the only place the TARDIS seems to land on ships. Which is coincidentally great for the biggest nerd in the universe.

"…so now I know to never feed camels prunes. Camels…have you ever met a camel, Doctor?"

"Oh this is BEAUTIFUL," he said, running his hand over the stainless steel dashboard. "Must be a brand new girl. Expensive, too. Ooh, high-voltage. What IS this species? Whoever they are must have a booming economy…"

Lacie stepped up to the instruments and frowned, saying nothing.

"Hold on," said the doctor, pulling out his rimmed square glasses and squinting at the screen. " 'Destination reached'. What's that supposed to mean?" He craned his neck over the dashboard and looked out the windshield. "Don't see anything special out here. Must be a few more lightyears to a rest up planet at most."

"What, like a gas station?" Kristin asked, stepping up to the dashboard.

"Something like that," the doctor nodded.

Sidney opened her mouth to share some kind of this-one-time story about when her parents left her little sister at a gas station. But before she muster a sound a black cloth was strapped over her mouth, a bag plunged over her head and firm arms dragged her deftly beyond the engine room.

Lacie's ears twitched.

"How could they have reached a destination when there's not another starport for another sixty-thousand miles?"

"Maybe…say they already reached their destination, forgot to reset their instruments and went…I don't know, sight-seeing?" Kristin ventured.

"Ah, it doesn't seem likely," murmured the doctor. "With technology like this it would be used constantly. It's a cheap universe. There aren't exactly credits to spare, especially what with the Travel War wrapping up-" the doctor's lament ended abruptly, and he straightened. "Lacie," he said softly, without turning around.

"Yeah?" she whispered.

"Hasn't Sidney been awfully quiet?" he suggested.

Immediately the three whirled around to find their friend's absence.

"SIDNEY!"

Behind them, the instruments beeped to life. "Escape vessel A departed," a female robotic voice informed them.

"No, no, no, no, no!" The doctor bellowed, sprinting off in the direction the map said led to the escape vessels, Lacie and Kristin hot on his heels.

They passed through several open doors, flew through narrow hallways and dove down stairs. The ship was completely desolate. They reached the door to the escape vessels just as they heard, "Escape vessel launched successful. Doors to vessel dock closing for security."

The doctor smacked into it, retracted, and yanked at the handle as the two girls rammed into him and fell over.

"Identification required." Ignoring it, the doctor drew out his sonic screwdriver and applied it. "Identification required," the door replied persistently. "Scan forehead here," a screen lit up, about the height of where a peephole might be. The doctor pressed his forehead against it, and it hummed.

"Species incorrect. Access denied," said the door.

The doctor pulled Kristin to her feet. "Here, you try!" He smashed her head against the screen. She groaned, and passed out, falling back to the ground.

"Species incorrect. Access denied," the door said anyway.

The doctor howled in frustration. Lacie, on her feet pushed him out of the way. "Oh, MOVE!" she said, beginning to scan.

"Species confirmed. Access granted. Have a safe trip!" The recorded voice bid them, and they dashed through the opening door. The doctor had to go back for Kristin.

The vessel dock was a hallway with a glass wall that exposed outer space. Several doors led to smaller space ships, just one blinking red, which meant it was already occupied. Lacie held the next available door open for the doctor, carrying Kristin and then hopped into the tiny vessel. It was more like a mini version of a living room, with a dashboard and a windshield in the far corner. But before the doctor could ditch Kristin on the couch and race for the controls, a somewhat familiar tickled-pink voice resounded overhead.

"Welcome to your very own escape vessel B, auto pilot! We're so happy to have you aboard! Please state your destination!"

"Follow vessel A!" Lacie called out panting, recognizing the robot's voice from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"I'm happy to!" the voice agreed pleasurably. "Please sit back and enjoy the ride. You will enjoy refreshment in the kitchen to your right."

Lacie fell to the comfort of a cushy armchair, panting heavily. The doctor made sure Kristin was comfortable on a long couch, then moved to stand in front of Lacie, his arms folded, looking down at her disapprovingly.

"What?" she said.

He scowled. "Why don't you tell me?"

She shrugged, at a loss. "Tell you what?"

The doctor squatted to match her eye level, keeping the same suspicious glare. After a long moment he put his hands on either side of her face and closed his eyes.

Lacie imagined a great steel door with seven million padlocks.

"Let me through," said the doctor.

"No," said Lacie.

Opening his eyes, he took his hands away. "Well then you'd better tell me who you are and what you were doing on Earth when I picked you up."

"Stop treating me like the enemy," Lacie snarled, annoyed. "I just saved all our lives, you could just say thank you. Actually….I haven't saved all our lives, I just always wanted to say that….anyway." She threw a finger in the direction of the windshield. "The people who stole Sidney, those are the enemy, okay?"

"And who are they?"

Lacie sighed, breaking eye contact. "Nijans."

"Nijans," repeated the doctor, standing up and beginning to pace. "They're real!"

Lacie sighed. "Yep."

"So that fancy ship we were just on, that was a Nijan ship!"

She nodded.

He did a brief happy dance. "I was just on a Nijan ship!" he giggled.

"O'Ferrah," replied Lacie, staring off (literally) into space. "O'Ferrah II."

The doctor was brought back to the subject at hand. "And how does someone like you become familiar with a species like that?"

Lacie sighed and avoided eye contact.

"Lacie," said the doctor, straining to remain calm. "I won't hold it against you. Your friend is missing and unless we're all on the same side we won't get her back. This is important you need to tell me, how you know of the Nijans."

She sighed, and shook her head, her eyes watering up. "I'm their queen."

"You' don't even know how much your life is at stake right now! I could tear you apart, I could keelhaul you, I could…I could eat you!"

"You will be silent," replied one of her captors indifferently as they marched her through a freezing environment, the woolen bag still bound over her head.

She laughed. "You can try! There's a graveyard of people who've died trying to shut me up! I'm warning you, I got a boyfriend who could totally beat your butt. And he's not gonna be happy to hear you touched me! That you kidnapped me!"

"This is your second warning," said the same captor in the same tone.

"I know your voice!" Sidney recognized. "I know who you are! I am a friend of the Nijans; I'm the queen's best friend and dude-" she laughed. "When she finds out you kidnapped me she is gonna be pissed!"

"Our queen Slishtezantio abandoned us in an act of cowardice in our time of need."

Sidney exploded. "WELL IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL-" she then stopped, thinking, remembering, considering, adding it all up. "Then-then we're all in deep crap."

After some time the Nijans at last wrestled Sidney to a stop, ripping off the bag over her head. She found herself staring straight into the face of the tall, dangerous Nijan. She suppressed a shudder.

"you will speak when spoken to," was all he told her before fighting her inside the door they were waiting beside.

Sidney was pushed ruthlessly to the floor inside, and the door snapped shut behind her. She looked up, and noticed she was in what very much looked like a principle's office. She was sprawled on the floor before a desk and behind that, a revolving chair raced away from her. On the desk was neatly stacked paperwork.

"Sidney," the chair spun around to face her. "Let's talk."

"The wind is great, the course is clear, and we are on our way home from another successful mission." Banes's computer told him. "And can I just say, sir. Excellent work. very impressive."

Wonslok puffed out his chest, already impossible to puff out any further, his firsts on his hips and gave his Oxy-Clean smile. "Why thank you."

"No seriously: really outstanding."

"Much obliged."

"Beautiful work, sir."

"I heard you."

"Do you work out?"

Wonslok rolled his eyes and settled his fist into the vocals of his computer, then straightened. All was well. It was a good day.

Until, of course, a small mail vessel latched onto his ship. Wonslok rolled his eyes again, then flexed. Seconds later, there was a knock on his door.

"Yeah, what," he grunted.

A ship boy entered, trembling. "Mr. Captain Your Majesty Sir," he called out, giving the message screen to Bane. "A message came for you."

Wonslok eyed the boy carefully. "Did you read it?"

Squeezing his eyes closed and sucking in his lips the boy shook his head hard enough for Wonslok to be concerned that it might pop off.

When his eyes peeked open again, Wonslok glared harder.

Sobbing, the boy burst from the room, back the way he came. With yet another eye roll, Wonslok looked down at the message board, then turned it on.

Sir Dar (Bane) Wonslok,

This is a message from the empress of planet Nijiaha, Galaxy Forbidden, Sector 7 Yeah You Heard Us Right 7. I have kidnapped Lady Sidney Alyse Van Duinen of Earth and will shatter her skull if you choose not to surrender your planet and your inhabiting species to me within the next twenty hours. That is all.

Wonslok watched as the words of the message disintegrated, and then let it clatter to the floor. He drew in a calming breath, his eyes burning with fire.

The doctor, after seeing the evidence, believed Lacie. Or, Slishtezantio, or whoever. He paced in front of her, his hands in his pockets, his bushy eyebrow lifted. "But, if you're the queen of Nijiaha, the undiscovered planet, the- the mystery of the universe" –he grinned- "That does sound good, doesn't it?"

Lacie shrugged, agreeing mildly. "Are you hungry?" She rose and headed to said kitchen.

The doctor followed. "Who's running it now? And what you doing on Earth? And how many people know about this? And does this have something to do with the Dars? And isn't Sidney tied into that somehow? Is that why they kidnapped her? Why didn't you think to mention this to me before!"

"All in good time, Doctor!" Lacie managed to fit in, digging through the magnificent fridge. "And first of all, it's not exactly common knowledge that I'm the queen of Nijiaha, that'd be chaos. Sidney knows and Kristin knows, but she doesn't believe me. Or, at least she didn't. How's she doing, by the way?" Lacie craned her neck to see over the doctor.

He turned back to the comatose Kristin. "Breathing, but still out cold. I swear I didn't mean to knock her out," the doctor tried not to laugh.

"If she was conscious she'd probably knock you out harder with a two-by-four. Or some…alien species that would hurt a lot more."

"Yeah…" said the doctor mindlessly, watching Kristin. "So anyway….who are you?"

Lacie sighed, cramming crackers into her mouth and speaking through them. "I'll just start at the beginning. Do you know what galaxy we're in?"

"Uh, no. I couldn't check, the screen was slipping back there in the TARDIS."

"Galaxy Forbidden. Sector 7 Yeah You Heard Us Right 7, otherwise 7YYHUR7. They call it that because travelers can't believe they actually made it that far. All this is aftermath of the Memory War. Have you ever heard of the Memory War?"

The doctor shook his head.

"Of course you haven't. Nobody remembers it." Lacie, carrying a grocery bag of food headed back to the armchair and pulled the coffee table up in front of her. "It's all about what you do and don't know."

"So, the smarter you are, the better chance you have of winning," the doctor clarified.

Lacie stared blankly at him. "You're not making any sense at all. Memories, Doctor! Hence the Memory War!"

He held up his hands defensively. "You said what you know."

Lacie rolled her eyes impatiently. Patience and communication, her best qualities. "Pay attention. The more your enemy has forgotten about you, the better chance you have of whooping their butt, does that make sense now?"

The doctor nodded.

"Good! That took way too long! So," she took from the bag three oranges and put them on the table. "You have a bunch of colonies in Sector 7YYHUR7. Smercals—know what a Smercal is?"

The doctor shook his head no, now leaning against the fancy silverware cupboard, crossing his arms.

Lacie imitated walrus teeth with her fingers. "They have these—nevermind. So the Smercals, the Daots, and the Bok." She attempted to juggle, and failed miserably. The doctor had to go around picked up the fruit for her. "These are the main three…victims. The earliest guys. Maybe about seventeen billion years ago, alright. Everybody's fighting, fight! Fight! Fight!" She took out a stem of grapes. "And these are all the other colonies. What's the difference between a grape and an orange?"

The doctor shrugged. "Size, shape, taste, color…?"

"WRONG!" Yelled Lacie. "The difference is these three planets have memory power and the rest don't!"

The doctor thought better of contradicting her.

"So," she picked up the oranges. "The grapes don't have a chance, right?" She began demolishing the grapes with the oranges. Juice spurted and the doctor blinked it out of his eye. When she was done, she swiped the sticky residue off the table onto the ground. "So these guys are all 'Meh! I dominate!' But about –hm- a thousand years later is born, the Nijias." She took out a watermelon. "Often confused with Ninjas because some people still get these wisps of remembering the reign. That's how hardcore we were. But our memory power mostly was strengthened by how big we were. There were a lot of us. Like, a LOT. No, like really, a LOT." She waited till the doctor nodded back, and as he dreaded she would, picked up the watermelon. "So these guys are toast, right? Bpfff!" She began to make orange juice, but got a little carried away. "Plah! Ew! I bet that hurts, huh! Ooooooooooh nooooooooooo! Spare meeeeeeee! Why would I! You're just itty-bitty citrus veins! I hate citrus! Blaaaaaa-"

Kristin aroused, sat up, staring at Lacie, who was frozen mid-fruit-destruction.

Lacie cleared her throat and put down the melon. "Yeah, so basically they're wiped out." She scraped up the orange guts and put them back in the bag. "But, there's this one planet that has super-duper-freaking-a-lot of memory power." She took out a large rock and put it on the table.

"Hold on, where'd you get the stone?" The doctor cut in.

"I-well-" Lacie sighed. "It kind of just showed up," she confessed, proceeding to throw the watermelon against it. "Can't kill 'em, right? Guess who these guys are."

"Wonslok's buddies," Kristin spat hatefully.

"Yup! So, it's kind of been this on-again off-again war 'cuz we can't really beat each other, so what's the point, right? So Nijiaha decides to take it to a whole new level, and totally takes over the universe." Lacie picked up the watermelon and ran all around the room like a maniac, thrusting about the masculine fruit, then abruptly tucked it under her arm, whirled around and stabbed a finger at them dramatically. "But you don't remember that, do you?"

Kristin and the doctor cautiously shook their heads.

"Right!" Lacie trotted back to her seat. "Because guess who came along and saved all your sorry behinds? Me! I was in the bloodline, and even though we're-for the most part-immortal, our reign as kings and queens lasts a thousand years…unless you're dethroned by the people…" Lacie shivered. "Anyway, when it was my turn, I made a big fat hole in the memory of the universe so people would for the most part forget us, then isolated us in the Forbidden galaxy in Sector 7 Yeah You Heard Us Right 7."

"But—as far as I know—it goes against every instinct in your genetic makeup to do something selfless and good, doesn't it? No offence," the doctor added.

Lacie nodded. "That sounds about right."

"So why did you do it?"

Lacie shrugged. "I foresaw a civil war. Or something; it was a long time ago. Anyway, it really did piss off everyone, but I talked them into being nice, if just for a while."

"How much is a while?" asked Kristin.

Lacie considered. "A couple trillion years? Give or take.

"So it's all good, right? There's just one problem. The Dars. They still remember everything, and now they want us all dead. But it's like it's always been: can't kill each other, right? So the Dars came up with this idea that's so incredibly simple, but stupidly clever, I can't believe we didn't come up with it eons ago."

"And what was that?" asked the doctor when she seemingly forgot.

"To destroy Earth," said Lacie simply.

"OKAY YOU ARE OFF ON ONE!" Kristin at last screamed. "Only half of your whole story makes sense and not even that is realistic but what the COW does blowing up the earth have to do with winning a friggin' Memory War!? Earth's LIGHTYEARS away, remember? In a completely different Sector! Who CARES about Earth!" Kristin was panting. "By the way, your pocket is singing."

As opposed the freakishly freakiness and humor that came with her tantrum, Kristin was right. Lacie's pocket was indeed singing. Hot Mess by Cobra Starship, if you wanted to know. Lacie took out her Ipod and turned it on, grinning. "I love this song." She put it to her ear. "Hello?"

The doctor and Kristin exchanged a look.

"Maybe that was why she was so friggin attached to that thing," Kristin mused. "It has all her alien friends in it."

"Madam Slishtezantio, it's Wonslok," came that familiar voice that Lacie just loved. (sarcasm.)

"Hi," she murmured. "Good to hear from you. How's your mom? Does she still want to kill me?"

"As always," said Wonslok dismissively. "I've received a message board from-"

"A message board? That's old school. That probably took her years to send. Living in the dark ages over there."

"It was from your daughter. They have Sidney."

"Ah, yes. Working on that. We'll stay in touch. I'll keep you posted."

"Your Majesty. The empress says she'll kill Sidney if I don't surrender my entire species in twenty hours….Madam?"

"Stay where you are, Sir Wonslok. I'll call you back." Lacie hung up her…Ipod. "This," she pointed at the doctor and Kristin, "is why you don't have children!"

"You are such a peculiar human," smiled the empress Jenieva, the pads of her fingers together. "You know far more than you should. You and your Dar boyfriend."

"I know what that was all about," muttered Sidney, kind of to the floor, kind of to the empress. "He kidnapped me to provoke Lacie. And it worked; doesn't take much to piss her off. The only thing that stopped her was mine and Wonslok's relationship. But that's what pissed you guys off, isn't it? She let them regenerate, when she could have wiped them out forever. I'm finding some interesting irony in all of this."

Jenieva cracked a smile. "This just proves my point. It's actually working out well for me, you're telling me everything you know."

Sidney rose to her knees, pointed at the radiant woman and laughed. "I know you! Lacie told me all about you! You're practically my niece! She called you an evil demon spawn! You're the reason she never babysits, oh you must have been a monster!"

"My mother will die," said Jenieva shortly. "As will you."

Sidney found this incredibly stupid. "Well yeah, we're all gonna die at some point."

"Has 'Lacie' ever told you she's trillions of years old?"

Sidney guffawed. "What an old fart! And she's got some freakishly stunted growth issues. But I guess that could be a blessing in disguise, huh? Who would want to look trillions of years old? The doctor once looked nine hundred and he was a little birdie in a cage!"

Jenieva chuckled lightly. "Such defiance. I suppose you think that's a blessing in disguise as well?"

Sidney glared confidently. "I'm not intimidated by pip-squeaks. I know a lot of pip-squeaks."

The empress began to rock back and forth in her rolly-chair. "And what of your precious Wonslok? You think he's afraid of me?"

Sidney could say nothing.

Jenieva nodded to herself. "Probably not. You think he'll come racing in in his shiny new ship to rescue you if I, I don't know, threaten him hard enough? Did you know your head right now is worth the lives of about twelve billion Dars?"

"He won't come," Sidney whispered.

"Oh, I don't know," the empress shrugged. "True love makes you do stupid things. You gotta be careful when you get yourself involved in high-profile power figures, darling. My third husband is living proof. Well, dead proof. You call yourself unintimidated? You should hang around Nijiaha a while, jot down the definition in your little history book."

"He won't come!" Sidney repeated desperate. "And unintimidated is so not a word."

Jenieva waved it away. "Whatever. And you better hope he doesn't come," she said, putting her hands on her desk and leaning forward. Because if he does, I'll keep my promise and not kill you. I'll let you watch as your best friends' people swallow your boyfriend's species whole."

Sidney considered, then sat back. "Well, that's a creepy thought. Are you guys like, snakes? Can you unhook your jaws or something? Lacie's never showed me that. Tell me, how much weight do you gain? That can't be good for the lypo machine. Which sucks, since that thing is totally the staple of your life." Sidney's eyebrows danced. "Am I right?"

Again, Jenieva shook her head, smiling. "You poor, poor human child. You try to hide it, but I can see it so clearly. You are terrified, so far from home, hardly daring enough to cling onto your last hope."

"I don't need to have hope," said Sidney. "I have Lacie and Kristin and Bane but most of all I have the doctor. That's a scary combination. 'Specially since Lacie and Bane never did get along…" she trailed off in thought, but then brought herself back. "Anyway, I feel sorry for you, Jenieva, you malnourished, underdeveloped ninja alien HAG!"

The empress's face at last, to Sidney's gratification, of course, flushed with anger as she called out, "Guards!"

Sidney laughed. "Have you ever thought about how often this happens? The main antagonist is too lazy to put their own captives in jail. Unless of course you're Humperdink from the Princess Bride. 'I would not say such things if I were you!'"

The Nijans appeared through the door. The empress nodded curtly at Sidney, who had begun singing Nicholas Cage style from the second National Treasure. "I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DEEDLEDEE…" as the guards dragged her away.

Wonslok parked himself tentatively below the tiny vessel, still unsure what to do. As promised, he opened the sky hatchet. In a few moments though, he understood why. From the sky, right into his cockpit plopped a little human child. She straightened, popped her back, rolled her neck, and then took in the Dar king's presence. "Whoa, you are hot. Okay, um, I'm Kristin and you're Wonslok. How many people are on your ship?"

Wonslok considered. "We just returned from a mission, at least four hundred."

Kristin nearly choked. "That's…awesome. Where's the nearest starport?"

"Oh I don't know," Wonslok peered through the windshield, pointing. "That one there."

"Good. You need to set up a route that will get you there so you can dump off your funny little-tall, very tall friends and then be on the North side of Nijiaha without the Nijans seeing you anytime before that, all within the next four minutes, got it?"

Wonslok gaped.

"Where are you from, planet Drool? I have some friends over there. And even though he's not as hot as you nobody's got any issues with settling for Taylor Lautner, okay? So get on with it!"

Lacie and the doctor alike leaned over the instruments of their own ship, fiddling with its visibility, landing, silence and so on.

"I know why they want Earth," murmured the doctor, not watching her.I

"Do you," replied Lacie, hardly interested.

He nodded. "Such a funny place, isn't it? All the rest of the planets are if not consciously are unconsciously envious. The last planet to have no certain knowledge of life beyond their own. The last planet. Ever. The humans have become a valuable species. Like a…record. We all have a soft spot for it, I think. So they threatened to destroy it. Of course, everyone threatens it; I've lost count the times I've stopped them."

"Yeah? So?" Lacie muttered.

"So the Dars threatened it and you came to protect it. But why you? You couldn't have- I don't know, sent a messenger or a guard, or one alike, but you were the queen, weren't you?"

"It's just a century contract," said Lacie shortly. "I felt like it was my job. But I left control with my bratty daughter, so now Nijian's a mess."

"Like the nanny," agreed the doctor. "Clean up one room and the runts have gone to dirty up the next."

"You know it," sighed Lacie.

"So," said the doctor. "What would you say would be your greatest regret?"

Lacie sighed again. "Remembering."

"In the middle of a Memory War?"

Lacie stared at him out of the corner of her eye. "I'm old. And I've killed a lot. I mean yeah Nijans can control memory enough to draw curtains but I know it's there. I mean the only way to really erase it takes all this electro-magnetic power and I hear it tastes nasty."

The doctor snorted. "Can't say it's tea and cakes."

"Ah, well," Lacie shrugged. "Beggars can't be choosers. Especially when you're a rebellious nasty mean banished ninja planet of a beggar."

"Mmmm," muttered the doctor.

"So then, the giraffe is all 'No! I will not take off my pants!' and the kangaroo is all 'that's not what I meant at all! Ewwwww!" Sidney had a captive audience. Every last one of her guards were sitting on the jail floor in front of her, listening to every last word. "That's when the vampire's all—Nak, can I borrow your cloak for a second?" Without thinking twice, the Nijan slipped the customary Niniaha robes over his head and gave it to her. Sidney fitted well into them, and pulled up the hood to conceal her face. "So the vampire's all 'nom nom nom!' and the giraffes all, 'aaaaaaaah!' And the vampire's all, 'Oh crap, I forgot my straw! My molar's haven't grown in yet! Be right back!'" Sidney slipped, unstopped and in disguise out the door of her own prison.

"That was way too easy," she whispered to herself.

Out in the creepy village of Nijans, tainted red and black, they all seemed to be gravitating to one area. Sidney followed the direction they were headed, and when she saw the main attraction, she groaned. "Wonslok, you didn't."

On the roof of the castle/office complex, Lacie and the doctor parked the invisible escape vessel and dropped from it.

"You alright?"

"Yeah."

"Where're the generators?"

"Oh, um…down there, around the corner in that building, down the stairs to the right there's a mine cart that'll take you under the crust of the earth, then there's a river…do you have GPS?"

The doctor dug through is pockets. "You are so lucky."

Lacie punched in the coordinates and gave it back to him. "Okay, meet you back here soon."

"How long can Kristin and Wonslok hold out?"

"Psh. They'll be fine." Lacie kicked in a sky window.

The doctor nodded. "Be careful."

"Yep." She swung down through the window.

The doctor walked to the edge of the building, and looked down, assessing the distance. When he saw who was down there, he gasped. "Sidney!"

She looked up. "Heeeeey! What you doing up there?"

"What you mean what am I doing up here, what are you doing down there? How'd you escape?"

"I hypnotized the guards, you?"

"We flew over here in a ship….that's invisible. Well this is good! One less thing I have to do!"

"Where you headed?"

"Down to the computer lab for techy stuff."

"Great, so what do you want me to do?"

"Get to Wonslok's ship. We'll meet you up there."

"But there're like a thousand Nijans there, they're gonna kill everybody!"

"Just do your hypnotizy thingy: we won't be long."

Sidney gave him a hard look. "What have you got up your sleeve, Doctor?"

A window opened between them and Jenieva stuck her head out. "think you could keep it down? Guards!" Suddenly her head was yanked back inside with an alarmed scream, and the window slammed shut.

Lacie stood in front of it. She held out her arms. "Mommy's home!"

Jenieva straightened. "So. You know what happens now."

Lacie nodded grimly. "There's only one way to solve this." She drew out the Gofish cards.

"Whoa whoa whoa WHAT do you think you're doing!?" Kristin pushed against Wonslok's chest, but he just continued to walk and she skidded forward.

"My duty," he replied tonelessly.

"Don't be stupid!" she plead. "It's not part of the plan! There are billions of Nijans and just one of you!"

"It is my duty as captain and king over my race."

"Do you think I care about that? Don't be a retard!"

Wonslok opened the hatch and Kristin fell out first, screaming. Wonslok hopped easily after her. On the ground, they found themselves surrounded by a sea of angry Nijans.

"I, hate, you," Krstin growled.

The doctor, even after all the ridiculous traveling was back at the ship before Lacie. He paced a big, then laid on his stomach by the sky window and looked down.

Lacie and Jenieva were both sitting at the desk, a fan of cards in their hands.

"Sevens," said Lacie.

"No," said Jenieva.

Lacie glared. Rolling her eyes, the empress handed over the card.

Smiling, Lacie accepted it. "Never try to lie to your mother."

"You seemed to believe me when I said I'd keep the planet under control."

Lacie shook her head, scrunching up her nose. "There was nothing I could do to avoid this. I'll be back in eighty-five years to clean it all up."

"Then why are you dethroning me now? Threes."

Lacie passed over her last card. "Because I know you'll make a big mess. Plus you're pretty."

The two counted up their matches. Lacie looked up with a smug smile, only to find her daughter mirroring her expression.

"You go first."

"I'll wait."

"No, go."

"No, you."

"No you!"

"No you!"

Eventually, it came to a two out of three rock-paper-scissors draw. The doctor rolled his eyes, and Lacie spared a moment to glare up at him warningly. Jenieva won the draw.

Lacie smiled sweetly at her. "The empress of the mystery of the universe and you can't even play a proper game of Gofish. Twelve pairs."

"Why are you pitying me?" Jenieva tested acidly.

Lacie just watched her.

After a minute or so, Jenieva lowered her gaze. "Eight pairs."

"WHAT NOW MO-FO!" Lacie jumped up on the table and did an irreverent happy dance. "In your face, monkey boogers! Who's the empress NOW! WHAT! I am, da ninja!" When she was done, she straightened her clothes, sat back down and cleared her throat. "Now then. The Reign."

The empress rolled her eyes, looked away, then in a huff took off the marble ring on her left hand, with the engraving of a numb-chuck on it. As she did, a beam of light from the empress siphoned itself into the ring. Hesitantly, she dropped it into Lacie's hand. She put on the ring, accepted the light, and stood up. "I'll see you in another century."

Jenieva looked up. "I thought it'd be eighty-five years."

Lacie just smiled.

"Oh, you coward."

"You keep telling my people that and I'll give you a swirly when I get home."

Lacie headed for the door. Not much to her surprise, ten guards marched in and slammed the door shut behind themselves.

Lacie turned back to the empress, who was prepared to launch into an evil monologue. But Lacie cut her off.

"Nice try." She ran up the wall opposite the guards, spider-jumped to the sky window and took the doctor's outstretched hand. Pulled up to her feet on the roof, Lacie looked down, pointed at the empress and laughed.

"Haha! Seeya, suckers!" Lacie and the doctor jumped into the invisible ship and flew away.

Sidney fought her way through the Nijan moshpit, hypnotizing anyone that got in her way. She got to Kristin and Wonslok, who was shooting anyone who got too close. Kristin was doing all the hand-to-hand combat.

"Your boyfriend is such a newb!" she yelled when she saw Sidney.

"Just get into the ship!" Sidney shouted back.

"But he's gonna get himself killed-"

"Just get in the freaking ship!" Growling, Kristin obeyed.

Sidney turned around and made out with Wonslok. The hexed Nijans just watched.

Three minutes late, the doctor's invisible ship landed on the roof of Wonslok's and he helped Kristin inside.

Lacie jumped out, calling out for Wonslok and Sidney. Hand in hand they ran through the crowd into his ship, up the stairs to the attic and out the top latch. Lacie linked her fingers together and boosted each of them up into the ship. When Sidney and Wonslok were inside, she pulled shut the door and locked it, remaining on the deck.

"What's she doing!" Kristin yelled.

Lacie looked up and smiled, waving, giving them thumbs up.

"You have to go back for her!' Sidney screamed.

"I can't, the Wipe goes in just a few seconds!" The doctor argued.

"Doesn't even look like she wants back on," Wonslok mused.

The doctor eyed him suspiciously. His forehead seemed unnaturally big.

"So what, we just leave her!?" Kristin squealed.

"No," said the doctor grimly, grabbing the controls. "We fetch her after the Wipe."

Lacie laid down on the roof, still smiling, her hands behind her head. She closed her eyes.

The invisible ship sped away from the planet as the wave of funny blue jelly swept over the planet. They could hear the terrorized screams from the ship. Nobody said anything. Sidney squeezed Wonslok's hand until finally collapsing into his embrace. Kristin stared out the windshield for a moment, then went to sit at the edge of an armchair, holding her head in her hands. The doctor remained at the window, his hands in his pockets, watching with a glum scowl.

It was ten minutes before the blue jelly was gone. The doctor set the ship into drive and guided it back to the planet. They landed back on Wonslok's deck, and the four of them knelt around Lacie, laying unconscious where she had been before.

Kristin shook her shoulder. Lacie's eyes opened and smiled sleepily. "Heeeeey. What re you room in my doing?"

"Huh?"

The doctor lightly pushed her head back to the ground. "Go back to sleep."

"Kay."

"Oh nice job, Sherlock," came a tiny sarcastic voice. Those away looked around, genuinely alarmed.

"Down here." After some time, they discovered it was coming from a live, mustached, angry face engraved in the marble ring on Lacie's left hand.

"What are you!" Sidney asked incredulously.

The grumpy face frowned. "I'm the Reign. And you just wiped the memory of the queen of Nijiaha."

"It was what she wanted," the doctor argued.

"Yeah yeah, I know. I t doesn't matter, the procedure is the same."

"Is being pissy part of that procedure, oh Reign?" Kristin smirked.

The ring glared at her. "I would not say such things if I were you."

Sidney unsuccessfully smothered a snort.

The ring turned back to the doctor. "Nijiaha may live in anarchy, they're trapped in this galaxy. The damage they can cause is limited, as long as Sir Wonslok gets his people out immediately."

"We won't surrender," he vowed persistently. "We live here as well."

Again, the doctor eyed him mistrustfully.

"You haven't surrendered," the ring argued back. "Your war is just postponed until Nijiaha can make informed decisions. Do not provoke them. Her Majesty will live out her century on Earth, protecting it by instinct, but she'll only remember that of her earthly life. Throughout the hundredth year the memories should return gradually, but in the case of an emergency you'll notice the necklace." Everyone's eyes moved to Lacie's neck, where a gold thread held the tiny symbol of a ninja star. "Everything will return if she touches this."

The doctor took it off and pocketed it. "Then I'd better hold onto that."

"What happens if she dies?" Sidney asked. "I mean, people tend to do that before they hit a hundred fifteen where I'm from."

"Fate is submissive in the predicament," replied the Reign.

"Ah, sweet!" Kristin cried. "I'm jealous.

The Reign ignored her. "Never let her take off this ring. It won't slip or get lost and no one else can remove it, but she must not. And doctor," the Reign gave another nasty glare.

"Yes?" he answered.

"She must not get stuck in a parallel universe."

He just stared intently back at the ring.

The Reign looked over everyone. "Let the honorable queen rest for now. And look after her." And then his face warped back into numb-chucks.

"Well," Kristin sighed after a minute. "That doesn't happen every day."

Sidney got up, followed by Wonslok and peered over the edge of the ship. Below, everyone was waking up, laughing stupidly and jumbling words together incoherently. "The civilization of ninjas renewed, walking around like drunks," Sidney mused.

"Right then, back to the TARDIS," sighed the doctor.

Kristin went to pick up Lacie, but fell under her weight. "DUDE!"

"Here," said Wonslok, carrying Lacie with ease, laying her down just in the place where Kristin had been not an hour before.

"Thank you, Your Majesty," said the doctor tentatively. "I suppose you'll need to be getting back to your ship."

Wonslok looked at Sidney, and she stepped forward. "Bane has asked me to marry him," she announced.

"What's that? Who's Bane?" The doctor looked around. Wonslok raised his hand. The doctor facepalmed himself. "Why are there so many names."

Sidney went on. "I've found my future, and it's with him."

"So-you're leaving with him?" asked Kristin, choked.

"I'll be back to visit," she assured quickly. "And I'll write all the time. But Jenieva was right. Love makes you

do stupid things."

"Yeah, so does sugar. You don't see me eloping it." Kristin octopused her anyway. "I'm happy for you."

"No you're not," Sidney laughed.

"You're right I hate you for leaving. But…have fun. I'll miss you."

"Same," Sidney whispered.

Kristin pointed a threatening finger at Wonslok. "Break her heart, I'll break your face, hear me?"

The doctor stepped up to Sidney, smiling. "You are an adventure, I'll give you that."

Sidney held out her arms. "Come here, you sexy beast."

When he let go, Sidney's eyes turned to Lacie. "Tell her I'll miss her," she said quietly. "And that I'll be back."

Hand in hand, Sidney and Wonslok left the tiny ship.

The vessels parted as they launched.

Quietly, Kristin sat beside Lacie, playing with the marble ring on her finger. The doctor leaned against the controls, his hands on the dashboard behind him, lost in thought.

"Lovely pair," he at last considered out loud.

"Yeah," Kristin sighed sadly. "They'll have gorgeous babies."

Abruptly the doctor let out a cry. "Babies! That's it! That's why I suspected something! Babies! Children, infants, reproductions, copies! Wonslok is a clone! Well, not the Wonslok, but the clone of Wonslok is a clone! And if he's a clone that can only mean one thing!"

Kristin watched wide-eyed, startled at his sudden vocal thought process. "Wh-what?"

Flustered, he ran his hands through his bushy hair. "It means they're headed to the Kazahk planet. A place with souls, but not bodies. Mind-hoppers. They move into their bodies through thought processes so they're nearly untouchable."

"That's why Wonslok was acting like such a dweeb!" Kristin realized. "He was possessed."

The doctor's eyes were distant. "He wasn't a clone. He was a Kazahkan retriever. Seeking out a mind already clever enough to cope with to ready for their leader. If Sidney isn't already possessed, it means she's for the soul leader! Controlled, helpless, her brain power gradually being eaten away bit by bit! Kristin, Sidney is in terrible danger! We have to move!"

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
